iamabeard

autokrater @ 9:00pm: And That's a Fact (And What's a "Fact?")
Last Week
Sluggish computer prompts me to do some detective work. I find some troubling viruses, remove them. Computer remains sluggish, Java refuses to cooperate with me and that prevents me from playing Scrabble. I put on my internet detective hat and hop around tech boards. Then my car battery dies, courtesy of yours truly not pulling the keys out correctly on a stressful Wednesday, and this results in my mom's boyfriend and myself pushing my car up a hilly gravel parking spot at night under the assault of frigid winds. He said "friggin" maybe 6 or 7 times..ugh just say "fucking" already! It's the better of the two and you know you want to say it but you're practicing self-censorship because my mother is around. So say it or don't say anything!! Battery problem was solved, or so we thought. Then I got into my car on Thursday morning and you can probably make a good guess as to what didn't happen. I should have taken it for a 20 minute drive on Wednesday night but was being an optimist and instead drove it down the street and back. Anyways, the battery problem is now officially solved and the computer issue is also solved, the latter thanks to hours of research/experimenting in Safe Mode. I had a nasty virus, a virus that went undetected by both my anti-virus program and my spyware destroyer. I uncovered it in the process of doing something else and was relieved to electronically cut it out and vaporized it into oblivion. Laptop death is inevitable but I am hoping for a natural passing. I honestly feel lost in a rapidly moving river of change as of late. Part of me wants to grab onto a rock or a tree branch so I can catch my breath, figure out where I am. But I instead try to relax and enjoy being taken by the current..but what if there's a waterfall ahead? I have been reading less and less current affair stuff, spending less time on forums of a gloomy nature and I am curious as to why this is. Since loaning my Clark Ashton Smith book to Lisa I started to read a curious book made up of conversations with an Advaita Master. Perhaps I'm finding all of the doomer behavior sillier and sillier still because of the many abstract thoughts I'm entertaining on account of this book (doomerism is just an illusion within the illusion, after all). But it would seem this "falling away" began in October sometime..before diving into the book. On Saturday I was going to watch the documentary, "Collapse", which is floating around on the internet supposedly. Instead I watched "Mermaid In a Manhole." I just felt like I wasn't going to learn about anything new upon watching "Collapse" and I'd basically just take away feelings of fear, dread and depression. Where's the point in that? Perhaps if the documentary approached the situation from a different perspective then I would want to watch in order to gain that perspective. I typed "watch mermaid in a manhole" on a whim on Saturday afternoon and found my way to a streamed version of the movie and feeling bored, I watched it. It's a notoriously gross Japanese horror movie (Guinea Pig film, 1991) but I didn't find it that repelling. The sound effects were really cheap and over-exaggerated...this brought the gross out factor down a few notches. Coincidentally, I ate angle hair and octopus later on that night. The stomach never once ventured into 'upset territory.' I am made of IRON. Now if I can just get a high-quality screenshot of one of the canvases in the movie. There were some good shots of different paintings, the mermaid in various stages of infection..would make the best gatefold LP cover, especially a shot from an odd angle. Abstract and grotesque cover painting that's a photo of a painting! Of course a cover like this means Zach and I would have to start up the right type of band in order to use it. I'm thinking a wine-sipping, poet shirt-wearing, doom-death metal band who have an uncanny knack for wedding romantic lyrics with macabre medical terminology.

GASP!

I ventured to Job Lot on a Saturday and got in line behind a woman with a overflowing shopping cart. This lady spent two week's worth of work (my work) on toys, mixed nuts and empty tin cans with painted teddy bears on them. I guess if she had gone to the mall and bought all of this shit at separate places the total price would have been more but still. You don't need to buy everyone you've ever met a present. However, I shouldn't jump to conclusions, maybe she was buying for homeless shelter or something(?) Made me laugh regardless so thanks for the laugh, whoever you are(were). I went to the bank beforehand and I got to thinking about "The Bank" and why I feel so uncomfortable when inside of one. I think "Mary Poppins" has something to do with it. Anyone who's seen Disney's "Mary Poppins" will likely recall the scene in which the Banks children visit the bank that their father is employed at. It's a cold, sterile place. Money is cold and sterile. My dad is kind of like a third rate George Banks. He doesn't carry himself as well.
A. Because he's not a dapper British Gentleman
B. Because he's not successful
C. Because he possesses absolutely no wit nor any singing talent nor any dancing talent
I have a checking account and a savings account at a local bank. They recently remodeled the building and I feel even less confident in there than I did last year. All the remodeling comes off as desperate to me, it screams "YOU CAN TRUST US!!!!!. WE ARE SO PROFESSIONAL!" This makes me nervous. Funny how we call banks "trusts" isn't it? I want to fly, over all the salt-strewn roads and neglected parking lots and no, I'm not envisioning flying to work. I'd be flying for the pleasure of flying and to avoid waiting in line at the gas station staring at slush-encrusted mudflaps.



I went to the wildlife refuge on Friday afternoon last week, mostly wandering near the water. I knew it was cold but underestimated the wind chill. Since I knew the next two days were going to be wet and snowy I felt I absolutely had to go make use of a perfect late afternoon. No excuses. A dubbed cassette copy of Stormcrowfleet, my soundtrack to a very wintry walk. I spotted an icy pond of sorts down near the ocean and felt inspired to walk down there. So I traversed over broken reeds and soggy grasses, no shelter from the mercilessly cold winds. My fingers, icicles. I had worn the wrong coat. My walkman unable to fit in any pockets, I had to hold it, lest I used the belt clip(!). Which, in hindsight, I probably should have done. The "pond" was boring so I made my way to the very edge of land and walked all the way around to the other side of the sanctuary. Of course I had to stop at certain points and look down at the ice covered water or prop one leg up on a log or piece of driftwood and gaze off into the distance in a noble warrior pose while soaking up the majesty of Skepticism. Out across the water there are many nice looking houses. As I was staring at one house in particular I began to entertain the idea of someone in that house watching me. I imagined this person, a retired ship captain, watching me through a telescope. I was thinking about how silly I might appear to this person. Hmmm...A long-haired guy with a dated ski jacket, holding a bulky walkman and looking at my house..in 20 degree weather. I didn't feel embarrassed though. I felt pleased. Pleased to supply someone with a laugh, pleased to puzzle them. And if this retired ship captain was a bit demented he may brand me an enemy scout of sorts. Mumbling to himself in a warm and dimly lit, nautical-themed study.These thoughts made me smile. But how many truly curious characters are there around here? Heading back into the woods I decided that I was too cold and it was time to head home. My comfortable modern body had been tested and broken. I don't know if it's possible to convey just how amazing I find the transition to be between afternoon and night during the winter time. Add to this transition an extremely fuzzy and blown out version of "By Silent Wings." I think that tape has been recorded over three or four times. Coincidentally, the production sounds a lot colder. The low-tape quality heightened the otherworldly atmosphere of dusk and therefore I was pleased. I made sure to stop myself from thinking in an attempt to simply listen and observe. A few deer bounded out of the woods and completed the experience. I almost pulled out of my earphones, quickly thinking to myself, "I will try and follow them. Maybe I can see them closer!." But I did no such thing. That moment was perfect..I just let it be. No need to try and squeeze more beauty out of it. No, no, no. 'Twas perfect.

Things I Listened to on a Tape Player When Doing A Virus Scan in Safe Mode on a Snowy Sunday Morning
1.Beethoven-symphonies 7 & 8
2.Skepticism-Stormcrowfleet (crackling cassette copy)
3.One song from Rage For Order I took out the tape and said "No..not right now."
4.Twin Peaks Soundtrack (Maxwell XLII-S*found in trash.)


Went to Z & J's for our annual Winter Solstice celebration. Much better than last year I believe because no one was upset about Anthony leaving the country and my car didn't have snow-related problems. We didn't get that drunk off of the mead but had a completely fun-filled time regardless. Before dinner Zach and I talked all of this heavy philosophy stuff. I was sort of pacing around the kitchen, diagonally following a path of tiles while speculating aloud as to what the average person views as their "default" mood. Uhh and then we kind of broke all of that talk down to a level in which nothing "meant" "anything" and it was pretty funny. We planned on turning off all of the lights, donning all black clothes and lighting incense. When Jackie came home from her hair appointment we would pose philosophical questions in response to all of her statements and questions. For example, if she were to enter the room and say "What are you guys doing?!" One of us would answer, "What IS doing?" Obviously we didn't do this..too hard to keep straight faces haha. Our one song for out shadowy musical project is nearing completion. I can't believe it. Now Christmas approaches and I find myself looking at Thursday night as a kind of Friday night and Friday as a variation on Sunday and Saturday as Saturday and Sunday as Sunday. Yeah, I'll walk over to my mom's for food on Christmas Eve and head over there Christmas morning to sit down and open the few things I asked for (all necessities). Last Christmas Eve cannot be beat, as I smoked weed (which I do maybe twice a year) by myself while blasting Fate's Warning-Awaken the Guardian on my record player. I am almost indifferent towards Christmas. I don't like the rampant consumerism aspect of it but I don't really pay much attention to that or surround myself with people who do so it's easy to forget about. Each year Christmas is more and more boring in my opinion and I suppose I'm speaking here about the idea of Christmas as it stands at the moment and the day itself. I kind of enjoy going over to my mom's, as long as they keep that TV off. Last year it was turned on as soon as we finished opening presents, no one was really watching it, it was just on...retarding our conversations, capturing eyes at random. There were too many severed sentences floating about and I just gave up in trying to converse with anyone and tried to read a book. I think it's going to be rainy. Last night I had a very strange dream that I can't recall entirely in detail. Only two pieces keep on flashing clearly through my waking mind. I jumped off of a dock into dark water in an attempt to find missing GI JOE action figures. At some point I realized that all of the figures had sunk to the bottom of the pool and swam downwards to go search. I began to worry about breathing because I was swimming downwards for what seemed like a few minutes and still hadn't reached the floor. When I touched down on the bottom I began to find things; a Jabba the Hutt toy with a hole on one side of his head, a few tank-like vehicles with Cobras sitting in them and a couple of floating figures (with weapons in hand and backpacks clipped on). I flung all of this stuff up towards the light. But then I became aware of the fact that this floor dropped off... reluctantly I swam ever deeper to find the True Bottom. In my travels I found more Joes and Cobras and flung them upwards. It was in flinging up a purple-clad female figure that I began to feel a lot of pressure around my head. Intense fear overtook me.."I'm going to fucking drown!" I then began to swim upwards, my hands pushing up nearby floating toys, and I of course broke the surface JUST IN TIME! Later on in this dream I encountered water again. Long story short, I was standing on top of a twisted tunnel-slide..a water slide I believe. My uncle had apparently built it and he was standing beside me. He was trying to pull me out of a dream I was having and beckoned me to follow him into the slide entrance. He jumped in first and kind of pulled me in with him. The water gushing through the slide was cold..I distinctly remember this. Suddenly, a hole magically appeared..it was as if I was inside of a balloon and the magical hole was the opening that you blow on to inflate the balloon. I slid out of this opening into a giant mouth and as soon as I entered that giant mouth I was flying through darkness towards a planet. The planet soon appeared more like a globe and then more like a map, I sped downwards. I could soon make out the pink silhouette of a man (my uncle?) with his hands on his hips...I basically flew directly into him at an incredibly high speed and then (dream) awoke on a wooden floor. Unsuccessful attempt at waking me I guess..but great fun regardless.

Ugly Lyric Fragments That Please Me:

Crucible heats up
Arsening, mercury
And acid concoct
Hermetic theory
Hydrogen vapours
Exclusion principle
It's never over
For ever practical

GRAY... growing emunctory tissue
Consumed by contentious fissure
Emotionally defaced bion
Physically declined rebellion

The frush laid not in lavender the raven-faxed fairy's fumes,
nor did her centesmal lunes benim the ormod liss
of tungsten-tined transuranical gloom.

O, slimy things!
I yearn to hear you sing from depths as deep as stars doth shine
From realms of light above.
I wish to hear thee sing!

*Currently in the midst of reading this informative, and well put together, essay on Lovecraft and the Nephilim
*Trying to wait to turn heater on until later in order to avoid a repeat of last month's bill
*Listening to Arckanum in the cold..makes Arckanum better (temperature is all important!).
*Legions of drawing problems. Talk about another time.
*Looked at www.howtosurvive2012.com for a little bit. Hmm, why even bother surviving, seriously. Don't tell me how! Tell me why! Now I've spent my precious time in 2009 reading about my fate. Expanded rambling on this topic was..at the beginning of my last entry. Go backwards from here.

autokrater @ 8:08pm: Unhappy Seekers
So I went to the wildlife sanctuary twice within the past two weeks. Describing one time only. I got the idea while working; go home, make a mix CD for myself, dig out my emergency CD player, drive over to the woods and just hang out for an hour or so. Yes, the emergency CD player..what's that all about? Well at the height of my extra food/stuff buying it I figured I might as well buy a portable, battery-operated CD player. If all the power were to go out or whatever then I'd still be able to listen to music..sensible, right? I didn't buy something top of the line because I was primarily paying with a gift card, a gift card worth a modest amount of store cash. Even with my cynical take on things, I expected this CD player to at least be decent, adequate at worst. But what a piece of shit, really. Every step I took resulted in skipping and that was with the skip-protection button on, the skip-protection button bragged about on the front of the packaging. And even when I just sat down with the CD player in my hands..skip-skip-skip. The volume range on this pathetic thing is also notable; it's for old people. On full blast I could still hear ducks splashing in the water, also a sad testament to the quality of the earphones that were so kindly included. I not so gently tossed the CD player onto a bed of damp leaves and went to go climb some gnarled tree overlooking the water. Much cooler. Of course I went to pick it back up but I was thinking about leaving it..in my unsatisfied customer state of mind. Now I at least won't be as disappointed as I would've been had I waited until an emergency to open it haha. Did I pretty much just review a CD player? I think I did..



Eck..time rolls on. I search feverishly for a "real world" goal while at the same time stretching my mind around abstract concepts that shatter the "real world." Is this counterproductive? I wish I had a guidance counselor on hand. Then again, no. I just want someone or something to push me into goal pursuit or pull me down a pathway. I realize that I am that someone but you do understand how difficult it is to debate with yourself don't you? Because even a well-grounded reason to not pursue a career or area of study ends up looking like an excuse fueled by self-doubt (i.e. "I can't do that..I'm not smart enough"). I have to do something, which is an abstract concept in and of itself as I'm doing lots of somethings every single day. At the most basic level I must do something to change my current situation, pursuing a future goal comes to mind daily but the goal must be worth all the questing, right? For example, if a knight of the legendary Round Table variety finds the entire Holy Grail story to be a load of bullshit and is 95% convinced that the much sought after chalice is but an ordinary and ruddy old cup he will most certainly not embark on a 3 or 4 year quest to find it. I've tried to break down the source of my desire to join the club and quest after the concept of security and material wealth, it's very hard to get to that source and figure it out. At the moment I am leaning towards the vague, mist-cloaked idea that I am kind of stuck, for lack of a better word, on a one-person pathway. A fear arises of having to hedge my bets with my mom and sister forever because I cannot afford to go live on my own somewhere, not completely and totally. I can just barely make it by at the moment, if I had to pay for housing though...forget it. I obviously don't want to live here for years to come and the three close friends I have in the area are most likely not going to be hanging around these parts for as long as I am. I want to be able to move and prosper elsewhere because a second fear, a fear of being glued down, easily creeps up and depresses me at the thought of being financially unable to leave. So I have to make a lot of money. Which means I have to go to school. Which means I have to pick a career. I keep coming back to this conclusion and I imagine that I will continue to do so. Even if I were to go farm for a growing season, I'd come right back here and end up at the same mental spot...I guess. Obviously it's not the best of times to begin pursuing a career ("Pell Grant Faces Shortfall" appeared in the news column on my email homepage, right above "The Weird World of Multiracial Dolls.") Apocalypse may loom on the horizon but how totally stupid to just sit around waiting for it. My thought on this matter must close here because the more I pick apart this whole career thing, the more confusing it will become to you reading, as I tend to debate with myself and one "half" of me attempts to tear the conclusion to shreds from a "big picture" perspective. Future prospects..that's where my head has been lately. Looking at all of these different degrees and etc. I was lost in a thought cloud of future prospects when taking out the trash last Monday. I stepped in an ice cold slush puddle because I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. I laughed a bit. It was as if the Universe slapped me upside the head and shouted "The present! Pay attention to NOW!" So we now arrive at this point of decision. If the whole "plan" fails at some point there is no need to spiral downward into depression..who is to say the larger plan isn't fulfilled? Life seems to end up looking like a nightmare only when I try and figure it all out or "make sense" of it, try to figure out how to best take advantage of this dream experience and then to fret over fitting in when I'm already a piece of the Consciousness puzzle. Laughable! I'm fulfilling a role, an organic shell propelled by Consciousness. Onwards we go to the future, I'll walk at a leisurely pace. "Seize the present!" I tell myself. Is the present not the only "real" thing, in a sense? Hmm... At any rate, I am going to try and appreciate the process of achieving a goal over the idea that securing the goal is all that matters..we'll see how that turns out. And no, I haven't really figured out anything:)
!!!!!!!

*I would wear a noble-looking Freddie Mercury jumpsuit

*A perfectly ugly album cover taking my breath away

*Sometimes I think I eat too fast. Not often but it does happen and I usually don't realize it till right after I've finished. I think I ate my entire lunch within the course of one really fast speed metal song the other day. Granted my lunches are tiny, but still..
*Guy came into the small post office drenched in cologne that reminded me of band practice at John Albernez's house circa 1999-2000. I was drenched in his fumes as he passed next to me and all I could think of was horrible music from the past and dying my hair red outside on the cement porch.
*I remember 85% of the lyrics (in order) to A Whole New World. Happened while driving. CD had ended and I just began to "sing" this song in my head. Did a lyrical check when I got home and I was just a little bit off at the end, I mixed up some words. Now what prompted this?
*I think I am perhaps entering A Whole New World. A lot of things feel very different and new, artwork seems to be taking a real backseat but I can't say that I'm panicking. An upcoming group show was recently cancelled and the lamp shelf that I try to use as a desk is making me feel defeated. But it's truly OK.
*Creepy guy at the insurance building had a dream about me. For a fair explanation on why he's creepy please refer back 15 or so posts. Anyways, he had a dream that I was skateboarding near the battleship and I went right off of the docks and into the ice cold water. He ran to tell a few police, frantically trying to get them to fish me out but they ushered him away, "He's alright. He can swim." He was going on about how weird it was that the cops used that excuse. I think he told me the dream twice. Once really fast and a second time elaborating on everything. You know, Zach has had a dream in which I end up accidentally falling into that same area of water. His dream is a lot different but it still involves me and that water near the battleship. Hmm.. In other news, the other guy who works at the insurance building was trying to make conversation with me about kids driving cars and telling me all of these stories about stupid things kids do in their cars during the winter when the roads are slick with snow and ice. Some friend of his son's died while attempting a daring car trick near railroad tracks and this deceased individual was supposedly really good at guitar. "I come back to dah house and I hea Van Halen, Hawt Fuh Teacha, comin' outta mah son's amplifiah. Coulda been friggin Eddie Van Halen on tha guitah!"
**I like it when you say something to someone about the fact that we're all individually going to die and they respond with something along the lines of "Don't say that." Is that because such a thought shatters everything at the forefront of the brain and reigns supreme atop the debris for awhile? And that would be bothersome of course because you'd feel weird, weird as if all the things you chase and collect and the trivial things you fret over=bullshit. Well, I often remind myself that I'm going to die. This tends to pause my busy mind and I become more appreciative when glancing at a pine tree outside or of a melody within a song, etc. I never really force myself to think it..it just pops into my head or I ultimately arrive at the thought. A month ago my sister, her boyfriend, my mother and myself were having a heated discussion about something. I felt very anxious and when my sister's boyfriend basically called me a loser I had a bit of a knee-jerk reaction (perhaps I was anticipating things turning ugly). I wish I could have just kept totally quiet and responded in my mind, "What have I lost at? Are we in a race? The only real race is the race to physical death and since it's 100% assured that each and every one of us will die, we're all ultimately winners." It could be put into much better words.
*I bought a fancy assortment of olives for myself at the store instead of buying water. I almost never do that. I went to Salvation Army to find a replacement flannel shirt but everything there was way too huge. There were only two boy-sized flannel shirts that would've fit and neither to my liking, color-wise.
*Had a stranger than usual dream. Zach and myself were heading up this spiral staircase to go practice our one song and I somehow knocked Zach over. He fell hard and upon hitting the floor his body turned into a peach colored, gel-like substance. He squiggled away and I had to call Jackie and explain. She was really pissed off, understandably, and kept telling me how clumsy I had been. Later on, Zach, back in human form, met up with me for a rescheduled practice. I had a weird POV perspective when playing the guitar and I can distinctly remember playing portions of the song correctly..the A-G-F bit especially. But the both of us sounded terrible and were all out of sync and my guitar had this tinny sound to it.
*Franz Schubert-Symphonies 8 and 9, Sunday Morning, 7 AM. I hadn't listened to anything of this sort in months. Maybe once during the summertime?
I should get into listening to this kind of classical music in the morning, it's good to wake up to over breakfast. I've been doing my classical listening at night for awhile. Organ pieces, early choral stuff, lute tunes...appropriate music to close the a waking day.

Death metal bands that look like this


are almost always cooler than bands that look like this.

The tough guy look has most definitely steered me away before. I'm more interested when the band looks like metalheads dressed up for job interviews. Chances are, a bunch of dudes in sweaters that play death metal are going to have a unique, and likely melody-heavy, approach to making death metal. They probably like progressive rock. I really hate poofy camo pants in death metal band photos and really fat guys with goatees, their arms crossed..so pissed off, so very pissed off. Every single death metal photo involving bowed heads, faces covered by hair and evil spirit summoning hand gestures excites me. Is this the very late 80's/early 90's European death metal photo template? Quite possibly. There's another death metal band photo template that I like a lot as well. This would be the Pondering Band Template. Best outside, best when wind is blowing long hair around, best when trees and rocks are visible (if not utilized as props in the photo), and absolutely best if the band is staring up at the heavens together. These types of photos are also mostly a thing of the past, at least as far as death metal is concerned. See, I think all the mid to late 90's gothic/doom/progressive metal bands became associated with this style of group photo and therefore death metal, which was getting quite stale by that point in time, almost completely adopted the tough guy image (see* old brutal death metal band photos). And maybe that also had something to do with the Norwegian black metal explosion. Death metal bands perhaps wanting to portray their music, by way of band photos, as unfriendly, aggressive and devoid of wimpiness (no. acoustic guitars, keyboards, female vocals, spoken poetry, etc). At least a few death metal bands probably figured that taking a melancholic looking group photo in a forest would likely lead some viewers to assume their sound 'atmospheric' and therefore they decided to take angry-face photos in front of big pieces of granite or in mangy alleyways. Aren't musical genres typically at their best before they're fully self aware? But of course once it's a big club with rules and regulations there are artists who appear on scene and break the rules and regulations, push the boundaries and etc..and I like that.

I've been to Z & J's twice since updating. Jackie cooked up insanely good dinners on both occasions. Not that our dinners aren't always good but these were award-winning, really. Since the 90's alternative rock radio station on itunes has been repeating itself a bit much, we made a joint decision to try "Hair Bands" radio to keep us entertained during our Lawless Scrabble games. It's pretty much a 50/50 platter of musical styles. There are lots of deplorable blues-rockers with lyrics all about gypsies and street urchins, hard partying, fast women and the like and of course, at the opposite end of the spectrum, tender power ballads that have nothing to do with power and everything to do with acoustic guitars soaked in "chorus" effect, woodblock percussion for verse, giant, gated snare drum, a useless guitar solo somewhere, a post or pre-solo part containing the band singing the chorus in unison with either drums and bass or just drums, a key change that doesn't surprise you and sappy lyrics about how much life on the road sucks or heartbreak or both and the word "baby" or "mama" is probably used once or twice. During out most recent hangout, after finishing up a Lawless Scrabble Session, Zach, Jackie and myself watched an episode of Mtv's "Jersey Shore." My bright idea. None of us watch junk TV, I don't watch TV whatsoever and I don't think Z and J watch much (especially since canceling cable). I'm going to postulate that the three of us truly forget just how extremely fucked-up television programming is. I like how they call it programming by the way. So "Jersey Shore", a bunch of unnaturally orange monkeys sitting around. Veiny orange muscles and orange plastic breasts. Getting wild in the hot tub. Getting ready for the club. Drinking bottled water. Drinking wine cooler. Breakups. Hookups. 40 minutes..nothing really happened. Legions of humans seem to grow stupider with every passing second and every minute or so two of them are making babies. Welcome to our overcrowded planet, can I borrow your inter-dimensional spacecraft?



This and something else new over here